To catch you up - in case you decided to watch the second finale only and not any of the other episodes this season, last week Des gave her heart COMPLETELY to someone who didn't love her back (Brooks). But this week, we'll see if she finds the love she DESERVES. Is her "dream" of finding a husband (what little worth a woman has without a man!) becoming a "nightmare?!" Find out! On the Live! Television Event of the Summer! Let's go see her now!
Oh... you're not excited about this either?
Des feels "very blindsided" because she thought a future with Brooks was "in reach." Talking about this, of course, makes her cry again. It's been 24 hours, Des! Get over it!
She meets with her BFF Chris Harrison. He always knows just what to say.
Chris Harrison: How are you?
Des: I'm okay.
Chris Harrison: No, you're not.
Des: Oh, Chris. *cries*
Des said "I just want to go home." Chris Harrison comforts her in a monotone voice and his signature I'm-not-really-listening straight smile said "I understand" in a way that let everyone know she can't leave yet because her contract isn't up.
In the next part that I fast-forwarded to, Chris Harrison brings Des and the two dudes together for a rose ceremony. She walks out to the deck and doesn't say anything. We are treated to the following silent sequence of events for roughly 11 hours and 37 minutes:
An audience member was chosen to speak on behalf of All of #BachelorNation. She said that Brooks did the right thing, he "tried to fall in love with Des" but told her the truth after he realized he wasn't in love with her. But (!!!) "fingles, fingers crossed" he comes back. Because, yes, fingles crossed that the man who TRIED to fall in love with her but didn't (because falling in love should take a lot of effort and not just be a natural progression of feelings) must be perfect for her now.
Anyway, I missed this part but Des donned her best Break-Up Crop Top and sweatpants for The Drew Dump. So, that's kind of sad for him but he probably dodged a bullet.
I'm hoping Drew just had something in his eye. [source]
I know I've kind of phoned in this recap thus far, but, I learned from the best:
Now that Des has gotten rid of her extra baggage (Drew), she's ready to explore the detour of her journey (Chris). She stands on her balcony in her best Thinking Bikini as she looks as pensive as she can while the camera films her. She meets up with runner-up Chris and tells him he looks "adorable, as always." Take note, Single Ladies, "adorable" and "cute" are a couple of childlike adjectives that adult males love to be called.
They make their way to the prow of a catamaran while Chris talks about how he will be there for Des forever. Des weighs her option of being alone or being with Chris. Apparently, being in love with Brooks has "clouded" her feelings for Chris. She just wants the day to be "smooth sailing", as the camera pans out to them on a sailboat. The sailboat is a nice little nod to Des' not so distant future as a cat lady:
"Wadadli Cats" means "Crazy Cat Lady" in Antiguanese.
At the Verandah Spa and Resort, which supports all of your Bachelorette needs, Des and Chris share a hello make out sesh. Des states intelligently: "Today was so amazing. For it to so drastically change is hard to accept but sometimes life is hard to accept. I'm glad I made the right decision to not give up and not give up on love." Because what better way to start a serious, romantic relationship than to settle for the only guy around?! ABC then gives us a treat of what a normal conversation is like without editing; they are even more boring than usual. Chalk it up to the fact that there's only one guy there and an hour left of the episode. Quantity, not quality!
To show her how much he loves her, he gives her a journal with his poetry in the back. She says "You're soooo cuuuuuuute." and in her interview cries tears of lovejoy because she's never been fully loved before and feels guilty that she didn't love Chris up until just now. Sounds like they're off to a good start.
Back with the live studio audience, Chris Harrison talks with some Bachelor Fan Favorites: Jackie, Lesley, and Lindsey. Also, the happy couple Sean and Cathy are there. Catherine is still up to her ol' blink blink blinking ways and answers Chris Harrison's interview questions through blinking Morse code.
Lindsey, Lesley, and Jackie all give Switzerland answers full of contractually obligated hope. Jackie knew that Des was set on Brooks but she believes that "love is blind" and, so, Des may have been blind to loving Chris because.... wait... no no NO, Jackie! "Love is blind" doesn't mean that when you're dating a handful of guys, your greater love for one man does not blind you from loving your second choice! This is stupid.
After the commercial break Des reads a script about her "journey" and the decisions she has worked through. Without further adieu Chris meets Des' family, in particular Des' BRO!!! This should be exciting! This should liven things up! He's even wearing his jail uniform!
But, wait! There's no drama. There's no punching. Her bro doesn't even call Chris any names. And he doesn't seem to ruin any chance at love for Des! Chris even gets permission from her dad to propose! And when Des and Bro are alone, he broke character and said that Des made the "right choice" by lovin' on Chris, despite the fact that it took Des "a long time" to get over Brooks! (A "long time" being no more than one week.) This is stupid!
Chris Harrison again teases us with the possibility of Brooks coming back but I have lost hope, 30ish minutes isn't enough time for him to make a reappearance.
Back at the resort Chris is shirtless and Des is in sporty clothes. They are both on balconies thinking, or at least pretending to think for the camera. I'm bored.
Chris meets with Neil Lane to "take a little journey with these rings." Despite the fact that, if Des accepts they will most certainly break up, Chris states that the ring he chose symbolizes a "union together that can't be broken." Poor sweet man.
Des walks out in a fancy mermaid style dress. She cries. Presumably because she feels so loved, not because she's still in love with Brooks and probably not with Chris. But, he deserves to know about her true feelings for Brooks, so they meet near some artillery just in case either of them need to defend themselves.
Clear shot. [source]
Chris walks up to Des and says some really sweet, romantic stuff. Right before he gets down on one knee she stops him. She's got some 'splaining to do.
When she tells him she sent home Drew he smiled because he rightly assumes he is the one. She then lies and said that it was always between Brooks and Chris. (Uhhh... hope you didn't watch last week's heartfelt love confession/breakdown, Chris.) She was "blindsided" by her feelings for Brooks. So much so that she couldn't see what she really needed. No, not time alone or any promotion of being a single female, but Chris. Chris is what she needs. Because this is a fairy tale, after all!
She finally, after ten whole weeks of being in love with Brooks, gets to tell Chirs that she loves him! He says it back, they kiss, he gets down on one knee, and she says "a thousand times yes" to his proposal because that's the romantic thing to say. After some more makin' out she said "It joys me to say this, Chris will you accept my final rose? Will you grow old with me forever?" To which my husband, who was surprisingly still in the room, said "Uhhh, grow old forever? I don't think science has reached that point yet, Des." Then he pretended like maybe he didn't know her name was Des and "I mean, whatever her name is..." because he doesn't want to admit he knows the name of The Bachelorette. It's okay, Kevin. I think it's "cute."
Next the two attractive people continue to kiss and say "I love you" (no, I'm not talking about Kevin and I. jk, lolololololol.) The music rises and we kick right into...
The Very Special Live Edition of After the Final Rose Ceremony!
Des tells all! She does her best to act like she's TOTALLY over Brooks and SO in love (!!!) with Chris! Brooks comes out with his new hair cut! Drew comes out! Still wounded... but he's so happy for Des! Then Chris comes out and we see the happy couple together! In public! For the first time! She's moving to Seattle so maybe I can come visit them! But if body language tells us anything, Chris, Des is still just not that into youuuuuu!
Seriously though, I hope you two beauties are happy together. Thanks for a semi-entertainingish season.
Next January on The Bachelor!
Everyone's favorite Latin underdog is back! It's Juan Pablooooooooo!!!!