Bachelor Babes Tell All

On Monday night Chris Harrison welcomed us all with open arms to The Women Tell All. Everyone in the audience can agree with him that this has been the BEST season of The Bachelor EVER and Sean is the best Bachelor EVER (well, until next season!). And let's not forget Sean's abs! High fives all around!

Thank you, ABC, for these photos.

This photo demonstrates one of my favorite parts of The Women Tell All: The audience shots.

A few weeks ago, as a reward to the loyal #BachelorNation fans, Sean and Chris Harrison took the "Bachelor Party Van" to viewing parties. It wasn't so much as a "Party Van" as it was a souped-up semi truck with no music, dim lighting, and two dudes sitting next to each other with roses. There were no clips of Sean climbing on the stripper pole but with his penchant for taking his shirt off, I'm sure he gave his BFF Chris Harrison a show.

Sad party van.

Every viewing party they visited was full of iPhones and females. At a sorority house Sean was ushered in to a room packed full of Delta Gammas. The room was so tight with women it could rival the space ratio of a van full of illegal immigrants. 

They sit like that for TWO HOURS?!

Sean acted shocked by the excited reception of the women, he was "extremely humbled" actually. However, he quickly moved past this humbling experience by taking off his shirt for the screaming women with iPhones.

As much as I'd like to have Chris Harrison and Sean over to watch my guilty pleasure with me, I'd be a little too embarrassed for their Bachelor Party Semi-Truck to pull up to me sitting alone (with the exception of my laptop) in my robe drinking a smoothie that resembles swamp water. I might scream, but it would be from embarrassment, not excitement. Or I might just not answer the door and do an army crawl over to the window to try to see what vehicle is outside. With that said, feel free to bring the next Bachelorette to my house, Chris Harrison! I will make sure to blend up some extra kale for you and your friend.

After the viewing party clips, Chris Harrison digs right into to talking to all the Bachelor Babes about how this is the MOST DRAMATIC season yet. They reintroduce all the girls, most of whom I had forgotten. I was, however, shocked that I didn't remember that Brandy "Moesha" Norwood was on the show.

Please tell me you see the resemblance, Reader.

All the women talked trash, understandably so, about Tierra. Moesha thinks they were all just jealous that they didn't seize the opportunity to get attention. Wait... who is she again? How long was she even on the show? Chris Harrison explained that they needed to get Tierra out there to defend herself. This may be a bad idea, he said, as Tierra sprays enough perfume on herself to incapacitate a bear.

Soak it all in, Tierra.

After the commercial break Tierra is given very careful instructions by a stage hand - with a diagram of the set - of where she must walk to get to her seat. I don't feel that she needs this, with the amount of acting she has done on the show it is clear she has taken a few drama classes. When she enters the stage in a dress that showed off one sliver of her upper abs, the room grew quiet. Upon Chris Harrison's prompting, she gives her side of the story, claiming that she was bullied and that she never named any woman directly or called anyone a "b-i-t-c-h". She's so sweet and innocent, I'm surprised she could even spell that curse word!

Tierra "can't remember everything that happened" when the girls talk about specific times she was rude. The women were "taking it to the extreme" by stating she was "unfriendly", especially because she remembers the ONE time she was nice to a woman and helped Leslie with a dress. See? She's no b-i-t-c-h! 

These ladies can't believe what Tierra Sparkles is saying!

Tierra also confirms that she still cannot control her eyebrow and that she lights up room with her sparkle. Unfortunately for the other women, they never gave Tierra the chance to shine!

She just has this glow about her. She just lights up the room with her blank stare!

Now it's time to get something "heavy" off of Tierra's chest and talk about the great battle at St. Croix. In AshLee's eyes, Tierra had it wrong. "Let's not wishy washy" the story, she said. (Editor's note: "wishy washy" is not a verb, AshLee.) After trying to get around it, Tierra did the best she could at an apology, which needs no commentary from me:

"I apologize to all of you guys for you guys thinking that I didn't want to talk to you or I wasn't trying to be friendly or be like friends with you like can I better myself? Absolutely. I think everyone can better themselves in life. Can I work on my my my flaws? Yes, but once again I think I came into this just like really scared and... I didn't really know how to handle it and I handled it, I guess, in a bad way and I apologize."

Before she leaves, Chris Harrison brings up the giant rock on Tierra's finger

Chris Harrison cannot hide his shock "How did that happen?" She explained that "it was in God's favor that's how it worked out." She attempted to dodge Chris Harrison's easy question of "When did you get engaged?" by saying "No comment." She went through the months of the year in her head but could only remember up to January so that's how she answered. "I got engaged in January.... he's no mystery man." My guess is that this "mystery man" is named George Glass.

While Tierra was the clear antagonist, it was not so clear to me that Sarah had "won America's heart." But Chris Harrison told me she did, so I have to believe it. "She's my favorite"one drunk audience member said. 

Sarah takes the stage and talks about Sean dumping her and how she can't help but thinks it's because she has one arm. Honestly though, Sarah may only have one arm but she applies her makeup and fixes her hair better than I ever can with two arms. Seeing so much of Sarah reminds me of Dalia on Suburgatory. I know I'm probably the only one who has watched the show so I will provide you with this clip:

Another "fan favorite" Desiree was up next. Her whole interview was like an audition for The Bachelorette: she just wants love. Chris Harrison called her "beloved" which practically guarantees she will be the next Bachelorette. Hopefully her Bro won't ruin her chance at love again. She loves her brother but it was totally his fault Sean dumped her and not just the fact that Sean is on a show that provides him with the opportunity to dump someone if they have one bad date. 

Next on the "hot seat" is AshLee, who is sporting a new blonde ombre. She tells us all that Sean led her on (duh) and that he acted completely different around her than the other girls. He was a "Southern Gentleman" to her and "with the other girls, hate me for this, but he acted like a frat boy." I don't agree with you AshLee and I'm pretty sure there are other reasons why people "hate" you. I mean, I don't hate you but you're kind of scary.

Next up Sean comes out! Everyone claps and I am going to call ABC out on showing Sarah clapping her hand against her stump. There was no other reason to show it but to reveal how a person with one arm claps.

Even Des and Robyn are staring!

Sean said "I have nothing but fond memories of each of you." The women don't seem to agree. Chris Harrison calls AshLee onto the stage so they can talk about when he dumped her. Apparently she "robbed him" of a goodbye because she was silent. The only thing she did was "rob him" of a chance to try to make himself feel better about how "difficult" it is on him.

AshLee takes this opportunity to drop a bomb on Sean. She said that on their overnight, he told her he didn't have any feelings for the other two girls. Everyone, including Sean, is floored.

Sean denied it. "Twice you didn't say that, Sean?" It was so quiet you can hear someone in the audience cough. Whether this is true or not, Sean will not be able to admit it because that would really screw up his chance at love. As if the past weeks' hours of video of him kissing other women was not enough, that statement may make his Final Rose Woman really upset.

Chris Harrison is hoping he didn't eff things up too much for Sean by letting AshLee talk to him. Des gets another plug for The Bachelorette as Sean talks about how much everyone loves her and every time he thinks of her he "can't stop smiling." Chris Harrison can't believe - with the chemistry that they have - that the two of them didn't end up together. It's all Desiree's brother's fault!!

America, meet your Bachelorette!

Next there were some bloopers and some staged "funny" moments. Then we took a "special sneak peek at the two amazing women" left, which really wasn't "special" or a "sneak peek" at all but just a recap of what the viewer has already seen. Summary: Catherine is giggly and cute; Lindsay, GO HOME! No one likes you and your baby voice!

During the credits America witnesses the most heart-breaking moment ever on The Bachelor. Yes, worse than the time Sarah lost her arm and worse than when Des said her tearful goodbye. Magic, the producer's dog, who has had no screen time until now was shown bringing the sparkle that Tierra lacked. A slideshow, similar to one at a wedding or a funeral, rolled by and I put my hand to my chest in anticipation of what I was afraid to come. "No!" I said as the words "Magic 2004-2013" appeared on the screen. 

The only innocent party to The Bachelor franchise died too soon. I cannot accept the loss but I will accept your final rose... Rest in peace, Magic.

Next week on The Bachelor Three-Hour Event:

Watch for three grueling hours as Sean must choose who to spend the REST OF HIS LIFE WITH (har har har) and his journey to find love comes to an end!