Catherine gets the first one-on-one. She shows up in a desolate, snowy place in her best pair of hoop earrings. Sean is nowhere to be found and I begin to wonder if this will turn into an episode of Man Vs. Wild: Bachelor Ultimate Survival. Sean rolled up in something called a "snow bus" and Catherine shrieks with glee. Essentially Sean is her heated blanket: "I never get cold when I'm with him." Love does conquer all, Reader. Even frost bite. By the end of their romp in the snow, Sean said she has passed "the blizzard test", but I do not agree. Catherine confesses she hasn't had hot chocolate since she was four years old. To me, that's not a good sign. You can't trust ANYONE who doesn't drink hot chocolate at least annually. At a minimum.
I am blonde with red skin undertones - is this what I look like in the snow too?! [source]
Watch out, Sean, it looks like you have a genetic predisposition of turning into this:
Sean in 20 years. [source]
Catherine and Sean then hop in a covered wagon and end up at a super cool ice castle. At this point my husband was still in the room and said, "That would be really cool if it wasn't this show." Shortly after he left the room, but not before Catherine stated that she cannot imagine NOT falling in love with Sean. She also wants to tell Sean everything and explain why she is the way she is. As it turns out, when she was 12 she was walking in the woods with a friend, Kelly. A tree fell and landed Kelly, killing her instantly. This experience made Catherine realize that she wants a family, a partner, the love of her life (yeah, I don't see the connection either) but it only made me realize that I can never go near a tree again. Apparently Lord of the Rings was right, Ents are very real and they can destroy more than just Isengard.
This is what actually happened to Kelly. [source]
To top off the night, Sean and Catherine slow danced (as awkwardly as I did in high school) to no music.
Ice Castle!!! [source]
For the group date, the ladies met Sean at the gorgeous Lake Louise, where they would, yet again, attempt to canoe. Lesley was the smartest in the bunch and strategically placed herself in Sean's canoe. Selma said, "I wanted one big shark to come eat their boat." She then did a terrible quiet laugh for a good ten seconds that trailed off into crying sounds. It was really awful. Also, doesn't she realize that if a shark ate their boat then Sean would literally be eaten too?! Plus, who let a shark in frigid Lake Louise, anyway?!
I want to go to there. [source]
After they reach the other side of the lake, they are greeted by a gingery lifeguard and an EMT. Sean then explains they are joining the "elite" Lake Louise Polar Bear Club, with a membership fee of jumping in the super cold lake. Selma fails this test - she refuses because she will "die". She then reapplies her lipstick vigorously. Tierra agrees to do it but not before she gives the camera a warning that she "might die" and is "afraid" of how she will react afterwards. She's afraid of how she will react? ... And the girls say she's one way around them but another way around Sean... hmmm... Tierra, please WebMD "Multiple Personality Disorder". I don't have quite enough information to diagnose you but so far I think we have a match.
They both just want The Precious. It makes them a totally different being.
Anyway, all the girls jump into the cold water for Sean and screamed and squealed and shrieked and screamed. As soon as the girls got out they continued to scream and wrapped themselves in blankets, embraced, and celebrated. Tierra realizes she isn't special any more and can no longer breath. In her sequin bikini she begins to stumble on the beach and the red-headed lifeguard (that was probably ogling her) ran to her side. Black tears began to fall down her face and she shook violently. The music begins to pound *dun dun DUN DUN dun dun DUN DUN* and there was a severe case of shaky cam.
Sean is shirtless and fine. She has "hypothermia". [source]
Being carried away by the Ginger and the EMT. [source]
I like your makeup. [source]
The EMT asked her a difficult question: "Do you know what day it is?" Tierra replied, "Nuh-uh." To be fair, she probably doesn't concern herself with those kind of things.
Here is everyone else. JUST FINE. TOTALLY FINE. [source]
Everyone else did the exact same thing she did... and were fine. Only Tierra, who was in the water for 0.9 seconds got "hypothermia." Yes, hypothermia is very real... but Tierra was faking it. Just like the time she took a siesta on the stairs. Tierra was shown recovering by laying in a bathrobe, eating a burger, and being hooked up to an oxygen tank. Sean comes and visits the invalid, and she makes a comment how he'd better marry her because of all she's been through. Reader, please note that no one is required to marry someone because they jump in a cold lake. It doesn't work like that. Sean suggest she rests while he leaves to make out with the other ladies.
Nature's Medicine: Hamburgers and Canned Oxygen [source]
That night the ladies partied without Tierra. Sweet, pretty, one-armed Sarah shows Sean photos of her family and herself when she was a little girl. Uh oh... this is a "reality check" for him. Back at the house Tierra magically feels better, puts on twenty-seven puffs of perfume, high heels, and then hobbles on over to the party. Lesley calls her a "Tierra-rist" (good one!).
Back at the hotel Sean expresses his concerns with one of the women who opened up to him tonight. She doesn't "deserve" to sit around and wait for the rose ceremony. As if she's not already different enough, Sean must take one-armed Sarah aside to send her home early. This makes me angry because he gives her some garbage about how "sweet and sincere" she is but lately he has had to "force it." This is the "toughest decision" he has ever had to make.
HE SHOULD HAVE JUST SENT HER HOME AT THE ROSE CEREMONY, like everyone else he sends home. [source]
Basically he just kept her around long enough to not look like a total jerk for sending home the disabled girl. Obviously she couldn't be his wife - she doesn't even have a left hand to put a ring on (his thoughts, not mine)! Sarah tries to keep it together but she breaks my heart. Sean said, "Whenever you're ready, take your time." and then mid-sentence he books it down the hallway away from her tears. Sarah explains to the camera that this "always" happens to her and every guy says that they really want to "connect" with her but can't. I hear you, Sarah, I can think of three different guys that explained how they wanted to like me, but - for some unknown reason to them - they just couldn't. Men suck! (Kevin, if you're reading this, I just said that to comfort the woman. You don't suck!)
His last date of the week was with Desiree and he takes her to beautiful Banff National Park (mental note: go there) where she must repel off the side of a mountain to get her reward of a picnic meal. They both make typical Bachelor comparisons of the task at hand and relationships. I'm glad my marriage isn't like repelling down a mountain, because I would still be at the top of the cliff hyperventilating. Once they are on land they decided to climb a tree and yell "Hello, Canada!", to which a friendly elk looked up and responded similarly to this:
The next part of their date is in a teepee. She talked about how she grew up poor and lived in a tent for months at a time. This makes me like her. But then she had to go and ruin it by saying, "I opened up about living in a tent and here I am falling in love in a teepee." She got the rose.
I found love in a hopeless place. [source]
At the cocktail party we are reminded about just how delicate this process is. One week Sean is sad but then the next week the women behave and Sean believes his wife is somewhere in the room with him. If only he could find her!
Sean takes special time to make out with each girl. Selma decides to literally disgrace her family by kissing a man on national television. She told him to "hold still" then clenched her lips together and touched her lips to his for approximately fourteen seconds. They are both completely still. "It is a huge shame to my family." and I'm sure her mom literally had a heart attack, as Selma predicted. I hope it was worth it, Selma! Sean then goes off with Wedding Dress to
Tierra's fur scarf and mullet dress are keeping her cozy after her hypothermia. [source]
"This decision is by far the toughest decision so far. My wife is among you." He then sends home Daniella and Selma: The Family Shamer. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU KISS BOYS, SELMA! You killed your mom and you killed your chances at love!!
Sean tells the remaining ladies: "I have been overcome with a sense of clarity. You six are the six for me." He's going all Sister Wives on us now, Reader.
Next Week on The Bachelor:
Tropical and romantic St. Croix of the U.S. Virgin Islands! Hot hot tropics! Water! Bikinis! KISSING! Confessions of love! Tierra drama! And Sean forgets to wear sunblock!