The Bachelor: Three Gone and One Busted Rooster

Last night in between running to the kitchen to cook my husband some dry chicken, dreaming about being able to eat sugar in 27 days, and petting my dog with my foot, The Bachelor was on. Despite protests from my husband and him lamenting that he is "married to a worldly woman" (and we're not talking about the cultured, world-traveler kind of worldly) I was able to watch the full episode. But first, can we just take a moment of silence to mourn this loss:

I will do my best to glue you, little rooster, but you'll never be the same.

My husband loves chickens - eatin' and lookin' at 'em. He's from the back roads of Clatskanie, Oregon and growing up on his homestead there were up to 32 chickens roaming free during the day. So, when my mother found this ceramic rooster in the hoarder home of my late step-grandmother, she knew exactly the chicken lover to give it to. Fast forward to present day and Kevin, the chicken guardian, is married to me, the Worldly Woman, and in my scramble to get back to The Bachelor I knocked over the beloved chicken while simultaneously overcooking chicken. The lives lost weren't worth it, I'm sure.

Anyway, back to Sean. He first appeared on the screen sans lip gloss and bronzer doing, you guessed it, shirtless bicep curls. I was then exposed to a close up objectification of Sean's abs in the shower, which made me feel very worldly.

On the first date Sean arrived via helicopter (big surprise) and all of the women swooned. Even Kacie B., The Bachelor veteran, acted like she was impressed. I mean... she knows how this works... there's always a helicopter. Unfortunately for Kacie, the date went to Sarah, a woman who likes to constantly remind everyone that she only has one arm. You know, in case you hadn't heard.

It's the left one. [source]

Now, I don't want you to think I'm not sympathetic, Reader, because - trust me - I am. I do not have any idea what it is like to be missing an arm, but it just seems like if she wants to find "true love" than that girl needs to find another topic of conversation. Her brief time on screen was filled with the following statements:

"I'm different physically and having one arm makes me different."
"Just because I have one arm doesn't mean we are going to stop having fun."
"I might seem unapproachable to guys because I have one arm."
"My ability to love is not affected by how many hands I have." 

She then told a heartbreaking story about the time she couldn't zipline and her dad explained to her that THAT was the reason she needs a strong guy, to get her through tough moments like that. Sean looked at her stoically and blinked repeatedly.

All that talk of disability reminds me of my dog, Belle. She, like Sarah, is beautiful, sweet, and missing an extremity. I just wonder, if Belle could talk, would she only talk about how she has three legs? I imagine that she would say things like, "Just because I have three legs doesn't mean we are going to stop having fun." in between the squeaks of her plush bumblebee chew toy. Or she might say "My ability to love is not affected by how many paws I have." as she snuggles up to me on the floor or puts her paw on my hand. 

Belle and I, havin' fun, despite the fact that I have all my legs and she doesn't.

Belle might even talk about the time that her old owners didn't take her with them on their sailboat - because of her disability - and now she is stuck living with two people who laugh at her when she wears glasses.

"I may seem unapproachable to guys because I only have three legs."

ANYWAY, the only thing Sarah said that wasn't about her arm is that she admitted to the camera that Sean is everything she could have imagined and AFTER ONE DATE she is falling in love with him. "How did I get so lucky?"

After the magical date with Sarah, Sean went on a photo shoot group date with a large harem of women. Each woman got to take a photo with Sean and fight for the chance at love and to get their own cover of a Harlequin romance novel.

It all looked a little something like this. [source]

After the shoot, the girls had a party, which is the perfect excuse to get real drunk. Bachelor two-timer Kacie B. got "unfriendzoned", forgot to wear pants, and has also made me pretty tired of her. I'll admit I was a big fan on Ben's season, but now I think she needs to try to find love without the assistance of a scripted reality show. The Yoga Instructor (who most likely didn't get the Harlequin cover because the hair stylists must have hated her and gave her Brillo Pad hair) left the show because it's not for her. This, of course, reminded Sean that this journey isn't going to be easy.

Having good hair isn't easy either. [source]

Sean had one more one-on-one date with the Bridal Stylist, who behaved as every bridal stylist should: "sweet and personal". Chris Harrison and Sean decided it would be a good idea to test Desi (because what girl doesn't love being tested?) and punk'd her on the date. Fortunately for her, she was pretty easy going and they quickly swooped in to interrupt the anti-climactic prank. Sean made up for this though by sharing some hot tub time  in which he wore his best Where's Waldo shorts. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to reiterate that he cares about a woman's personality and that "When we are 80 and our looks have faded, I want that personality." Yes. In 60 years is when he wants that personality.

But, seriously, I know what he's talking about because today I unknowingly walked in on a naked 84-year-old man. Despite my great experience with geriatrics I have not had to actually see any of them without clothes on. Thankfully, today I panicked as soon as I saw a lot of leg and slinked out the door before I had to see the full monty. I can warn you though, Reader, that when you are elderly your legs will resemble skinny, pasty rolls of uncooked bread.

Your legs will look like this, only there will just be two of them. Unless you are missing a leg. If so, I'm sorry for any perceived insensitivity about one-armed Sarah. [source]

Back to Sean! Again, he stated in this episode that he wanted to be The Rock.

Sean's role model, apparently. [source]

He also confirmed that Bridal Stylist Desi has now seen all the sides of him and I'm sure they are quickly on their way to falling in love.

Later at the cocktail party, Sean was confronted by African American, Robyn, who was the perfect woman to bring up a conversation to combat any future and past lawsuits regarding The Bachelor's White America. Sean assured her that he doesn't have a criteria for race and that he has dated "everybody". Well played, ABC.

At the Rose Ceremony, dead-eyed Amanda (I'm not going to talk about her more, she's the worst), the desperate woman who wore the wedding dress last week, some forgettable drunk blonde, and many more possible future Mrs. Lowes were all given roses. Two women were heartbroken (despite being very "open to love") and were sent home roseless. One woman was disappointed because she "wasn't enough for him. That's a lot to take in." Seriously? You just met him. It's not that big a deal. Sorry, for the mini-rant I guess my husband's complaints against the show are starting to affect me more than I realized.

Next week on The Bachelor:

Courtney II throws herself down a flight of stairs! Kissing! The longest kiss EVER! Shirtless Sean! And high hopes for love (another helicopter, maybe?)! And only (approximately) 10 more weeks of making my husband miserable every Monday night!