The Bachelor: Setting a New Record for Craziness

I sent my husband a warning text last night: "Btw that show you hate is on tonight. :/" Per his request, I do not talk about it with him (and, honestly, I don't have too much human contact other than him) so I have come to the blog again to discuss The Bachelor with you, my dear Reader.

Unfortunately I missed the first few minutes of the show because I was heating up my stir-fry but I took to Twitter to learn that Sean was (surprise surprise) working out #shirtless. AGAIN. You'd think with all the money that ABC throws around to give the most "extravagant" and "romantic" (read: expensive) dates that they could afford to buy him a workout shirt. Poor guy, I thought my workouts were rough after having to share the gym with a guy in jeans and someone who was sweating Chicken McNuggets.

I bet Sean Lowe's sweat doesn't smell like chicken McNuggets. Wait... that sounded creepier than I anticipated. [source]

The first extravagant and romantic date was a one-on-one with white Leslie (or is it white Lesley?) at Hollywood's Guinness World Records. She must not have a healthy appreciation for records like Young Chalayn did, otherwise she would have realized how romantic Sean was being. I was impressed to find out that Sean comes from winning lineage as his dad has a world record for driving across the United States in the shortest amount time. Lucky for him, Sean Sr. probably didn't borrow his mom's GPS and forget to clear the "fastest MPH" before he gave it back to her, thus prompting a telephone call with a shocked mom saying: "105 MILES PER HOUR?! 105 MILES PER HOUR?! ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE MILES PER HOUR!"

White Lesley and Sean emerge to find themselves surrounded by a cheering crowd and the opportunity to set their own record for "longest on-screen kiss". Chris Harrison was gracious enough to explain to those who don't understand sequential numbers that they had to kiss for 3 minutes and 16 seconds in order to beat the current 3:15 record. I then had to watch for over 3 minutes and 15 seconds while Sean and Leslie held their lips together. I sat there hoping it would end quickly before she mooned us with her "dress"  that just barely covered her tush (come one, it was just a glorified lace shirt). Long story short, I'm too much of a prude for The Bachelor and they accomplished what Chris Harrison dubbed "The Greatest World Record Ever." Sean Sr. must be so proud.

The Greatest World Record Ever. [source]

Next up was the group date where 12 girls all piled in a passenger van and headed to the beach. They stripped down to their bikinis, Sean took his shirt off, and I am reminded of all the awkward times I have been at the beach wearing my t-shirt and knee-length shorts. Chris Harrison showed up in a pink button up shirt to announce that they are going to compete in a volleyball match to win time with Sean. Some generic blonde girl said it was "literally my worst nightmare". (Literally my worst nightmare was the time I dreamt that a boy who sat behind me in science class took an ax to my mother in front of me and then tried to kill me too. But, I guess that's nothing in comparison to playing beach volleyball on a sunny day.) They were so worked up over this game of volleyball I would have thought that they would have played a little better. Seriously, it was awful. After the lesser of two evils lost, they cried and cried while the winning team sprayed champagne onto each other like they had accomplished something.

"You're talking about your heart here... it's that big of a deal." - Losing Team [source]

In the second part of the date Kacie B. decided she hadn't made enough mistakes that day and chose to show how drama-free she is by tattling to Sean about how two of the girls aren't getting along, which put her in "the middle". This backfired big time and officially launched her out of the middle and back into the friendzone. Sean asked her why she was telling him that and said, "I want you to act like Kacie not this crazy person I'm seeing." Uh oh... being called a "crazy person" on The Bachelor - which has set the bar pretty high for crazy - is not a good thing. Even this girl with fangs from Brad's season didn't get called crazy... and she got fangs installed over her real teeth:

She has fang implants. But Kacie is the crazy one. [source]

The next day AshLee is waiting for Sean to go on their one on one and the true crazy, Tierra, "falls" down the stairs. Now, I know I'm not the only one who's calling FAKE but those crash sounds were pretty severe for her to land like this:

Just a relaxing time on the stairs. [source]

I have fallen down stairs before and I know that you always end up with your left leg bent backwards, the right leg between the banisters, and your nightgown over your head. Conveniently for Tierra, Sean arrived and rescued her. The medics then rushed to the scene and put her on a stretcher. She whined "This is sooo stooopid." and refused medical treatment before running outside to "be left alone". Sean cuddled her while she plotted out her next terrible activity. To quote some random woman on an Internet forum about Tierra: "She do eny thing to get what she wants..She needs to be sent home for there will be more trouble , She not DONE YET." You speak the truth, Random Woman.

She not DONE YET and neither was that episode. Sean took personal organizer AshLee to Six Flags where they met two adorable, chronically ill girls who are best friends but have only talked online and were meeting for the first time and made me feel all teary eyed and made me realize that all those things I worry about don't really matter and thank you, God, for those girls and thank you for my health , I'm such a horrible person for being so ungrateful, Belle come here I need to hug you because it's moments like this that really matter. The worst part of the date was when Sean's favorite band that no one has ever heard of (but not in a good indie way) played an intimate concert for them. Seriously, haven't those girls been through enough already? They have to listen to bad country music too?!

But let's not forget the woman who really suffered:

"No! This is sooo stoooooopid!" [source]

I feel your pain, Tierra. Thanks for getting me back to reality.

At the Cocktail Party the women were fighting over Sean like "hyenas", as one woman who ended up going home put it, and Tierra wanted to punch some girls' faces for taking Sean time away from her. At the end of the night, Kacie was blasted back home into the friendzone, the model who won the three book cover deal with Harlequin, and the forgettable Taryn went home. They all cried. Kacie will be back next week to warn Sean about Courtney II, the model hoped her "chance for love will come someday soon", and Taryn realized she wasn't "sweet enough for him."

Next Week on The Bachelor:

Roller derby! Fast cars! Fairy tales! Tierra is going to take the girls down! And my husband sighing in the other room as I shamelessly watch shallow, edited reality TV.